It’s been a busy week! Tonight is my last of three overnight shifts I’ve worked this week. I think I’ve done pretty well for only being home 8 hours per day. I’ve managed to take care of all of my responsibilities and still have some fun in the process. I honestly have to say that I feel very blessed!
Last Tuesday night I was looking at our residence page for the community that we live in and I came across a post that said “Proven~women’s bible study. We meet on Thursday mornings at 9:30 am. Anyone who would like more info pm me and I’ll send you the details.” I was so excited when I saw this that I sent her a pm right away. Today was my second time going and I LOVE IT! There’s just something about congregating with like minded women to love on Jesus and let him love on us! It’s also very interesting to hear the different struggles that women just like me face day to day. Here I was feeling all alone in my struggle for my own identity when just beyond the horizon there were friends who are faced with the same challenges.
It’s hard to find your place in this big world when you can’t seem to find your own value beyond wife and mom. You can sometimes feel over shadowed by the demands of daily life and meeting needs that we forget to nurture ourselves and cultivate our own gifts. We start to feel depleted, lost, and empty. We ponder our purpose and if we even have one at times. Don’t get me wrong, being a wife and mother are huge honors and some of the biggest rolls a woman can have in life. It’s always been my dream to be those two things. I guess I just never anticipated losing myself in the process and rightly so because I shouldn’t have to.
Before I met my husband, I had built a world for my children and I. It was a small world, but it was ours and it was fulfilling and wonderful. We had struggled our way to this place, but somehow the struggle had made the reward that much sweeter. It was earned, fought for, and built with our own blood, sweat, and tears and completely on a foundation of faith. When I would sit out back of the house that I had purchased all by myself, surrounded by the sweet scent of colorful roses that were gifts from one of my customers, my heart couldn’t help but overflow with love and gratitude. There was only one problem. I had a void in my heart. A space meant for the man that God promised would complete me.
When I met him everything changed. We dated long distance for a year and a half, but then the time came where I was called to leave my little world behind and step into his. I gained a family. A complete family with a mom and a dad and 5 wonderful children, and I never felt so lost in my life. Those first few years were rough. My entire universe was turned inside out and nothing made sense except for my commitment to my husband and our family. During the high velocity roller coaster called my life, I lost sight of the most important relationship and commitment of all, my savior, my heart. I was too hurt, too angry, too bitter. I had everything I’d ever wanted but it wasn’t supposed to look like this. Actually, it looked exactly how I thought it would, but it wasn’t supposed to feel like this. 7 years later and the struggle is still real, but I’m awakening. My heart is coming back to life and my faith is breathing again. I have a sense of peace and I know what I have to do.
In order to hear the voice of God we must enter into his rest and trust him. Let go of the heavy stones that we tote around from day to day feeling that we deserve to bare a burden. The truth is we do deserve to bare that burden, but Jesus didn’t come here to give us what we deserve. He came here to give us grace and mercy. He wants us to have life and life more abundantly. (John 10:10b). He wants us to feel his love and to live our lives from that well spring of ever lasting life and love. I don’t have it all figured out and I’m still in the process of discovering my gifts, developing my identity, but I know one thing. I am a daughter of the most high God, a daughter of the almighty King. That makes me a Princess and an heiress to his thrown. I should feel pretty amazing about that and so should you! We are brethren, we are sisters and we share in this identity. We are a family and there is nothing more important in this world than that. I’d love to hear from some of you, about your journeys of discovering who you are. How you got where you are and some of the things you’ve had to face along the way. We’re in this life together. Thank you for joining me on my journey of becoming.
Have a peace filled, blessed night full of deep, satisfying sleep. I look forward to hearing from you. God bless!